Article: Tackling boy zones; Travel: Hotel Review: In the first of her incisive fortnightly reviews of British hotels, our new critic takes on Stapleford Park.

Byline: MELINDA STEVENS

IF STAPLEFORD Park were a man, he would hire a Lamborghini to drive himself to a wedding. If Stapleford Park were to take you on a date, his rather shiny signet ring would keep digging into your back.

If Stapleford Park went shooting he would shout "Over" all the time and forget to tip the keeper. And all this time he would have a little something stuck in his teeth.

Stapleford Park urgently needs a little oestrogen transfusion.

Binbags left outside my room didn't fill me with glee, nor did fake crappy cupboards, no movie options, plastic orchids and scratchy blankets on the bed, which felt like lots of dead ...

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