Article: CLEMENT CRABBE; More from our columnist, the scabrous Clement Crabbe, of The Rockpools Register,who takes a wry,whimsical look at a world increasingly beyond parody.(Column)

Byline: CLEMENT CRABBE

ALMOST time for the church fete.

Mr Tewkesbury, risk assessor, runs a cautious pencil over the arrangements. 'Has the person on the apple-bobbing stall had lifeguard training? The skittle alley: a first-aid kit to be displayed, please. Welly wanging: I insist that barriers be erected to prevent any gum boot landing on a spectator's head.' 'But that's half the fun,' sighs the Rev Tony Mild.

Mr Tewkesbury, bolder by the week, tells the padre his attitude is 'unfortunate'.

'This 'home produce' stall,' continues Mr Tewkesbury, the very words 'home produce' being anathema to his arid soul. 'How many of our producers ...

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