Article: I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling! Forget alternative comedy.The great British one-liner is back - and one of our wittiest TV scriptwriters couldn't be more tickled!(News)

Byline: by Maurice Gran CO-CREATOR OF BIRDS OF A FEATHER AND THE NEW STATESMAN

THERE'S something about one-liners I've always enjoyed. What is it now? Oh, I know, they're easy to remember. In fact, one of my favourites is probably the first one I ever heard. It was over 50 years ago, at a pantomime at the old Finsbury Park Empire. Dickie Valentine was the star. Remember Dickie Valentine? Me neither.

At some stage in the proceedings a spaceship landed and a green-skinned alien stepped out, holding a cup of tea. Dickie, dressed as Buttons -- I know, a spaceship in Cinderella, strange, but that's panto for you -- said to the alien: 'How many times have I ...

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