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WITH MORE body doubles than all the Hollywood acting fraternity, no cheese has been faked more than that going under the name of mozzarella. It is peculiar that the EU has decreed words like feta as belonging the Greek cheesemakers, yet permit the Danish to produce a "'mozzarella" better suited to playing squash with.

The real cheese is not made of cow's milk but buffalo milk. It should not be a square shape, cut from a block like the Danish sham cheese, but a nodule that is threequarters a smooth ball and has one side bearing a tear mark where the cheese has been pulled off the batch by hand.

And yes, before accusations of elitism fly my way, I understand

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