My Life as a Customer, or Why "CRM" Is the Biggest Hoax in Business.(lack of customer service on the Internet)

Customer Relationship Management, to echo Voltaire's famous wisecrack about the Holy Roman Empire, is neither about customers, nor relationships, nor management. It's about technological euphoria, buzzwords, and spin.

No one is easier to sell to than a salesperson, they used to say.

And no one believes marketing propaganda more than marketers. Ten years ago, we bought into "relationship marketing" hook, line, and sinker. We've now swallowed the rod and reel when it comes to "Customer Relationship Management (CRM)."

Add the Internet, and the frisson becomes even more palpable. But have you ever been personally exposed to the tender ministrations of what, appallingly, is called "e-CRM (Electronic Customer Relationship Management")?

I recently subscribed to the Internet version of The Wall Street Journal, only to descend into a black hole of technological futility. My user name and secret code refused to work at the one moment in history when a rapidly declining stock market made me feel some urgency about accessing the Journal online.

I was assigned a new password complicated enough to stagger a biochemist. Supposedly I had the option of entering a new password, but it didn't work. (Options that don't really work, by the way, are among the many maddening features of e-CRM.)

"I'm trying to enter a new password--the one you've assigned I'll never remember. The technology doesn't seem to be working," I e-mailed. "Also--do I get this free as part of my Wall Street Journal subscription. Or just free for 30 days?"

"Dear Jim," the Journal familiarly e-mailed me back, "Thank you for your e-mail message. Please visit the following URL to automatically remove any previous login information that may reside within all your browsers..."

What?

"You didn't answer my questions. Please try again," was my next volley, answered by "Dear Jim, Thank you for your e-mail message. Your WSJ.com account is a part of a special offer through your print Wall Street Journal subscription. For more information about billing, please contact customer service at: 1-800-586-7625..."

My next move: "You're still not answering my questions--you're simply putting the burden on me. The Journal constantly has articles criticizing this kind of thing, and here you are doing it yourselves. Just answer me: Do I get a permanent online subscription, or is it free for 30 days only?"

"Dear Jim Rosenfield." (No longer "Dear Jim," perhaps in response to my increasing impatience.) "Thank you for your e-mail message. Our records indicate your WSJ.com account is registered as part of an academic combination offer with the print Wall Street Journal. This subscription will last for the life of your subscription to the print Wall Street Journal. We hope this clears things up!"

This is e-CRM at work:

Step 1: The Journal, perhaps through server problems, caused me grief.

Step 2: I sent an e-mail asking for relief, and also clarification of my subscription deal.

Step 3: The Journal put the burden on me to visit a URL and "remove any previous login information..."

Step 4: I sent an e-mail telling them they hadn't answered my questions.

Step 5: The Journal sent me back a message referring me to an 800-number.

Step 6: I e-mailed one more time, asking again for relief.

Step 7: The Journal clarified my subscription deal, but still hasn't helped me with my user name and secret code.

Step 8: I no longer care!

Real e-CRM--if such an animal exists--would have enabled the Journal to identify me as a long time subscriber, and treat me with kid gloves. Instead, I got stuck into a laborious 7-step process, and never did succeed in getting all my needs taken care of.

* The Biggest Marketing Hoax of the Early 21st Century

With only a few exceptions, most of them in business-to-business environments, CRM and e-CRM are hoaxes. They've become part of the arsenal of those master hoaxers of all, the big international consulting firms. And they're also part of the ad agency bag of tricks.

Customer Relationship Management, to echo Voltaire's famous wisecrack about the Holy Roman Empire, is neither about customers, nor relationships, nor management. It's about technological euphoria, buzzwords, and spin. …

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